My first OB appointment was scheduled for Wednesday morning this week. Considering past experience (showing up for an appointment alone, expecting heartbeats and congratulations and instead getting news of a miscarriage), I made sure to give Tim the option of being along for this appointment. After having been through it once, I was confident I would survive if there was bad news, but I thought I'd let Tim make the decision himself. So he arranged for our neighbor to come over and stay with the kids so that he could be with me.
Within seconds of coming through the door, I had totally caught the nurse off guard and unintentionally changed the mood in the exam room. The standard first question for all pre-natal OB visits is: "How are you feeling?" When I answered, "Nervous," Nurse Linda was a little more than confused. Although I always attempt honesty, I didn't mean to throw her off. So then I tried to explain that I was just a little anxious to see a strong, healthy heartbeat. She still seemed to think I was a little odd, I think, but she wasted no time in finding that heartbeat for us! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
I can't tell you how immensely better and relieved I felt! I tear up every time. Still. The miraculousness of not only a heartbeat, strong and definite inside at 8 weeks after conception is amazing enough. The technology to be able to see the heartbeat within a life the size of a pinto bean is something to behold as well. WOW!
Anyway, time to move forward. Enough holding my breath and hoping and praying that God would allow this to happen for real. I knew we weren't exactly "out of the clear" yet, but I was enough relieved that I could finally start to show some excitement. And to start thinking about sharing our news.
The next day, I boarded a plane and jetted off to visit my brother in Corpus Christi, TX. He was officially the first family member we told. It didn't take long after my arrival for the news to break. He was showing me around San Antonio, telling me about some of the places he had been to, about what each had to offer, including some unbelievable chocolate martinis at one stop. Had to break it to him that I would not be enjoying any of those martinis on this trip.
His response: "Well, you guys are just a bunch of baby making machines!" Love it. Family always says what other people think, but don't have the guts to say!
Talking to my brother about having a fourth kid was the first time I really verbalized some of the things I was beginning to realize. Although we are both so excited, I was also beginning to feel like we were entering a whole new category of family life. Obviously, but let me explain. 3 kids is a fairly typical American family. 4 moves us into the "larger family" category. We are no longer "normal." (You may refrain from commenting that maybe we never were normal to start with.) We are about to be judged for all kinds of things. I was flashing forward to the end of summer, before school starts, and trips to the grocery store with my 3 favorite little people and a large belly and hearing random strangers say things like: "You know what prevents this, right?"
Tim and I had always wanted a larger family; it was never a discussion or debate for us. But for whatever reason, I had never really thought about any judgement we might receive for that decision. Until now. But what can I say? Too late! I hadn't wasted much time thinking about it in the past, but for this moment, it has given me what I have begun to call a "healthy fear" of the possible insanity that 4 kids 6 and under might bring to our household!
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